I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived

Day One: The Evil Emerges

Congratulations. You are the first person in the world to read my blog. And you are the first person to judge me. The one will will tell me if I deserve to exist. You are the decider.

You see: I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived. At least that's what an ex told me last week. (I was also called "disillusional" and "a embecil", but I will save those discussions for another day.)

First off, let me upfront. I am a bad person. I know that. By any definition--Wikipedia, the Bible, American Heritage Dictionary, Webster's, Gary Coleman's--I am evil incarnate.

"Malevolent", "Morally objectionable", "Harmful", "Destructive", "Sadistic"-- these are all words that describe me. Having just read Genesis 6:5 (The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.), I realize that it was referring to me.

I am evil incarnate. Beelzebub. Lucifer. The Great Satan.

But am I the most evil person in the world who ever lived?

I know that I am probably the most evil person in the contiguous United States (plus the District of Columbia). The most evil in North America? Without a doubt. There are over 6 billion people on this planet, and I can easily dismiss well over 5 billion of them as less evil than me. Which means I may well be the most evil person alive.

But to be the most evil person in the world who ever lived would require some doing, which being as evil as I am, probably wouldn't be out of my evil reach. Not sure if I've reached that point of pure evilness just yet. But I'm working on it!

There's an old saying back in Texas, "The hurrier you go, the behinder you get", so don't expect me to be rushing out trying to prove I'm the most evil person in the world who ever lived. It's not even a moniker I enjoy carrying. In fact, it's a burden. Yes, I'll admit it--being the most evil person in the world who ever lived isn't a lot of fun. First off, you spend a lot of your day putting things in bold for emphasis. A very evil endeavor indeed. Yeah, it kind of sucks but what can I do. I'm sick.

They said that admitting you have a problem is the first step. And that's what I've done. I've admitted my evilidity. Now we need to figure out just how evil I am.

Which is where you come in.

I would like you to follow my blog for one year, starting today, Day 1. The Day of Evil Dave. (TDOED) And at the end of that year, you will have told me if I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived.

I've devised some evilly-ingenious methods to determine if I can rightfully hold the title of the most evil person in the world who ever lived which you can participate in.

Feel free to vote. Over and over again, depending on your mood. Maybe you'll read one of my postings and be assured that I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived. Or maybe the next day you'll figure out that I am a rung below Pol Pot, or that perhaps Josef Stalin and Oliver Cromwell need to make an "Evil Dave Sandwich". That's the fun in being the decider. You decide. You hold the moral compass.

Your input is valuable (or invaluable), depending on which word you'd rather identify yourself with. I would say I appreciate all your help if that wasn't an inappropriate thing for The Great Satan to do.

Well, I'd like to go on and on in some evil way, but I need to go sharpen my fangs.

Besides, there's only so much typing an evil person can do when there is so much evil to be done.

infra inferius infimus,
Dave