I am still the most evil person in the world who ever lived

Day Two: Evil Takes Flight

Let's not beat around the bush: You want me dead. I'm not saying you want to kill me yourself, though you have considered placing your bare hands around my neck and squeezing tightly until the last tiny breath escapes from my lifeless body. I'm just saying that you agree that it would be a good thing for the most evil person in the world who ever lived to be eliminated with extreme prejudice.

Consider the cathartic success of "Inglourious Basterds", Quentin Taratino's masterpiece dramatizing the assassination of Adolf Hitler in Nazi-occupied France in 1944. Who couldn't get behind that noble mission?

Now consider that by all accounts, I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived. At least according to yesterday's poll on my blog.

In response to the question: "Who is the most evil person in the world who ever lived?", you gave Adolf Hitler 2 votes and yours truly 5 votes. That means by a margin of over 200%, you consider me to be the most evil person in the world who ever lived, thus verifying the accusation leveled at me by an unnamed ex that I am the most evil person in the world who ever lived.

I'm not saying you are a cold-blooded killer, I'm just saying that if you, like Tarantino's marvelous Basterds, had the opportunity to eliminate such a horrific menace--why wouldn't you take it? If you could, at one fell swoop, snuff out someone with qualities worse than Michael Vick, Ryan Jenkins, Phillip Garrido and Chris Brown combined, then why wouldn't you? And who would blame you if you did?

Maybe I should re-iterate. The purpose of this blog is to determine through your votes whether I am truly the most evil person in the world who ever lived. It's up to you to determine. You are the decider. Your opinion counts. "Vote early and often" as they say in Chicago.

Please don't misinterpret the purpose of this blog. I'm not asking for compliments or reassurance that I'm a good person. I know that I am a bad person. There's no denying that I possess those dastardly qualities normally attributed to such evil luminaries such as Charles Manson, Idi Amin or Tomas de Torquemada. In fact, a good friend of mine from high school, Teresa, said that asking folks to vote on my evilness is narcissistic. EXACTLY! Point proven!

Behold my evil ways:

Episode #412: Evil takes flight

Below you will find the actual witness statement filed by me with the Federal Aviation Administration on May 17, 2009 after an in-flight incident. (My notes in parentheses)

Re: U**t*d Flight 56 (Airline name blocked for legal reasons)
Kona to LAX
May 17, 2009

I first observed the female passengers in Seats 19B and 21E at the TSA checkpoint where they both reaked of alcohol, marijuana and stale urine (fresh urine would have been okay apparently). The women, each approximately 35-years-old (and not hot), appeared intoxicated and “high” on some sort of “speed-like” drug e.g. meth, crack, cocaine, ice, crystal, glass, chalk, crank, etc. Their eyes were bloodshot, they were extremely twitchy and couldn’t handle basic instructions from Security such as holding on to their boarding passes. They seemed incoherent and could barely stand up, and not in the "fun vacation drunk" sort of way. Neither passenger could figure out how to even walk through the metal detector and TSA waved me through because they were taking so much time. How they got through security is beyond me. All I remember thinking was, "I hope they're not on my plane."

For some reason, the woman in 21E was held up at Security and the woman in 19B walked ahead to board the plane. Unfortunately, 19B couldn’t find the gate and began following me. She had trouble getting up the stairs on the tarmac, stumbled down the aisle-way and then became confrontational with the African American woman in 19C because the seated woman wouldn’t get up fast enough to let 19B into the middle seat. I asked the African American woman if she was okay and she nodded in the affirmative. The African American Woman asked me if 19B was with me and I said, "Ahhhhhh, hell no." We shared a laugh over that.

When the drunk, high woman in 21E boarded, she stumbled down the aisle, had slurred speech and could barely get her bag in the overhead compartment. She kept dropping it on some old dude's head until finally someone helped her get it stowed. I could tell that people nearby were noticing at her erratic, jerky behavior and alcohol smell. 21E couldn’t find her seat without assistance from airline personnel, held up boarding by blocking the aisle and then refused to stay seated during taxi. The people sitting in 22D, 22B, 21C and 23D all concurred that the woman appeared extremely intoxicated and appeared not to even realize she was on an airplane. Yet none of them spoke up. I did.

I alerted the flight attendant who said that she was aware of the woman’s strange behavior and was "monitoring her" but at this point had no valid reason to put her off the plane. As we taxied during the safety video, the woman in 21E jumped over my friend in 21D and went to talk to her friend in 19B as if she had no idea we were about to take off. The woman in 21E reluctantly stumbled back to her seat when told to sit down. The flight crew said they had to restart the safety video. 21E then kept mumbling and acting strangely. The flight continued to taxi.

I then repeatedly press my "Call" button and alerted the flight attendant that if they were not going to put these two lunatics off the plane, I wanted off the plane. She said, "Are you serious?" I said, "Yes, please tell the Captain I want off the plane. Now." Various people around me were upset that I was putting them off schedule, and I responded, 'There's no way in hell I'm flying over the ocean with those two tweaked-out bitches, so you can kiss my ass."

The flight attendant phoned the cockpit. The plane immediately stopped taxiing. A moment later, the perturbed Captain came on the PA and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are returning the gate. For those of you who are staying on the plane, it will be a slight delay and then we'll be on our way." Everyone around me began angrily staring at me because apparently they needed to be back in LA so badly that they were willing to DIE.

At the gate, several uniformed TSA officers entered the plane. As they walked down the aisle, eyeing me, the woman in 19E stood up and announced in a slurred voice that she hadn't slept in 3 days and needed a "f***ing cigarette!!!". She said the whole word, I'm just putting the *'s in since this is government document. She then headed toward the emergency exit "to go outside". At that point, TSA officials asked her to sit down. A verbal confrontation occurred and 19E was forcefully removed from the plane. 21B protested and was also removed against her will. People in the plane began to applaud. No one apologized to me, though I did get the cute flight attendant's Facebook page.

In certification of the preceding statement I do attest and set forth my signature to such:

______________________________
David Garrett (the most evil person in the world who ever lived)